Crimson Shots
by PhoenixWytch
Summary: A collection of oneshots, including expanded versions of my drabbles and oneshot challenge responses.
1. The Internet Is For Porn – Avenue Q

**Disclaimer: **I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist.' If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

* * *

Patrick Jane arrives to CBI headquarters at six in the morning with boxes of donuts and a USB drive to implement his plan to embarrass the team leader, Teresa Lisbon. He grins, hands the guard a donut before wishing the guard a good day as he goes through the security checkpoint. He goes to his couch, leaving his suit jacket and the rest of the box of donuts.

Taking the USB drive, Jane sneaks into Lisbon's office to access her computer. After turning on the computer and waiting for it to boot up, he plugs the drive into the proper port and opens the folder that show up on the desktop. Browsing through the files in the folder, Jane finally finds the picture that he is looking for.

Copying the picture to Lisbon's machine, he then removes the USB drive from the computer and slips it into his pocket. Jane then opens the desktop settings and changes the background to the picture he's just copied over. Saving the changes, he then turns off the machine and slips out of the office.

Jane places the box of donuts on his unused desk and settles back on his couch just as Lisbon and the rest of the team arrive. Lisbon eyes flick over to the clock, which reads ten minutes to seven, before raising an eyebrow at Jane's presence on the couch.

"You're here early, Jane."

"I missed your beautiful smile, my dear Lisbon," remarks Jane, flashing a smile at the dark haired woman looking down at him. "Besides, I decided to bring donuts and figured I should be early every so often."

Lisbon shakes her head, grabs a donut and heads into her office. She drops her briefcase next to her desk then hangs her coat on the back of her chair. Sitting down in her chair, she hits the button to turn her computer and as it is booting up she checks her voice mail.

She turns her back to her computer screen as she listens to her messages, including one about a new case that Minelli wants the team to get right on. She turns, hangs up her phone and goes to pull the information on the case that Minelli sent to her on the computer.

Her jaw drops, her face turns red and she sits absolutely still in shock at the picture that now decorates her computer screen. Several thoughts run through her mind, though a few stick out to her. These thoughts include 'How the hell did he get this on my machine?', 'Damn…' and even 'That stupid, childish, sexy pain in the ass!'.

By this time, Jane figures that Lisbon either has seen or is about to see his picture gift. He walks over and peeks in her office to see her staring at her monitor. Quietly slipping into the room, he walks around to stand just behind her chair with his trademark grin. Leaning over, Jane whispers in Lisbon's ear, "If you wanted to see me like that, all you had to do was ask."

Her head whips around as she glares at the blond haired man behind her as she asks in a deathly soft voice, "Why did you put a nude picture of yourself on my computer, _Patrick_?"

"Me? Why would I do such a thing?"

"Because you think it's your job to irritate the hell out of me. Because this is the kind of stunt you would pull. Because you are an immature, annoying, pain in the ass of a consultant!" She pokes him in the chest with every word as her voice slowly rises in volume.

Jane grabs her hands to stop her poking him and teasingly says, "It's not so bad. Just a little picture between friends, though someone might get the wrong idea with you talking so loud."

Lisbon lowers her voice to an angry whisper, "Jane…"

"Patrick," he interrupts.

"Jane…"

"Patrick," he interrupts again.

"Oh fine. Patrick, why did you put a nude picture of yourself on my computer?" She asks again, as she rolls her eyes slightly at his insistence of her using his first name.

"Because…"

Lisbon grabs Jane's vest and shirt, pulling him down as she growls in his face, "Why did you, _Patrick Jane_, put a nude picture of yourself on my work computer?"

"Because I wanted to see your reaction," he replies placing his hands over her. "Oh and to do this," he adds before he leans down and placing a soft butterfly kiss on her lips.

Kimball Cho gives his boss's office door one quick knock before opening the door to find her being kissed by the team's consultant. "Sorry for interrupting, boss, but Minelli just called and said we need to hurry on this new case."

Lisbon jumps back from Jane like she's about to be burned, her face bright red from the blush that's spread across her cheeks. Jane smiles and says, "Mission accomplished."

"Patrick, shut up."

"Whatever you say. Oh, I'll be taking you to dinner tonight. If you're really good, you'll also get the real deal instead of just the picture."

"_Jane_!"


	2. Out of the Blue – Aly & AJ

**Note: **The characters are a little out of character. I blame the song for that. ^_^;

**Disclaimer: **I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist.' If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

* * *

Agent Teresa Lisbon stood watching through the glass as Agent Kimball Cho and the CBI consultant Patrick Jane work over a suspect in the interrogation room. What she is seeing is pissing her off. Not because Cho was doing a bad job of interrogating the suspect, but rather because Jane is sitting there _flirting_ with the suspect. Now normally Lisbon would have just brushed off the flirting, but Lisbon had realized something just a few days prior. She was falling for the overly charming, somewhat childish, blond-haired, green-eyed consultant.

Not able to take watching the interrogation anymore, Lisbon storms from the observation room almost knocking into Agent Grace Van Pelt. With a mumbled apology, Lisbon goes into her office and closes the door to give her the privacy she desires to hopefully calm down. Van Pelt stands watching her boss walk away, wondering just what has the older woman upset and how she might be able to help fix the problem.

As Lisbon's office door closes, the interrogation room's door opens allowing Cho and Jane to walk out. Cho escorts the suspect off to booking while Jane turns to head to the bullpen. Jane stops when he sees Van Pelt and notices that she seems somewhat preoccupied so he says, "Hello Grace. What's on your mind?"

"Oh, hi Jane. Do you have any idea why Lisbon might be upset?" asks Van Pelt as she gestures with her hand toward Lisbon's office. "She and I almost collided as she left the observation room, but she just mumbled something and kept moving. It was kind of weird behavior for her."

Jane looks to Lisbon's door, concern for the lady boss welling up inside him. His first thought is to go bug Lisbon into telling him what was wrong, but some instinct told him to leave her alone for now. Though a frown flickers over his face for a moment before he answers, "I have not a clue as to what might be bugging our fearless leader. I could always go ask her if you'd like, but that might just upset her even more."

Van Pelt pales at the thought of an even more upset Lisbon, hurries to tell Jane, "No. I am sure she is just stressed over the case." Leveling Jane a glare, she adds, "Be sure to leave Lisbon alone."

Holding his hands up in a placating manner, Jane grins and states, "I have no intention of bothering Lisbon right now. In fact I just want to go lay on my couch." He proceeds to go do just that, though he looks over his shoulder and comments, "You might want to get back to work. Wouldn't want Lisbon to find you still standing there."

About an hour passes as Jane lays on his couch pondering over what might be bugging Lisbon, but so far he is coming up short. He hadn't pulled any of his more elaborate tricks on this case, but he also hadn't hypnotized anyone or even pissed someone off to the point of having a weapon drawn on him. True there were a few hurt feelings but nothing too bad. At least not too bad for him, since the all the suspects were cleared save the woman he had left with Cho. Then again she had confessed to the murder, so Lisbon should be happy now.

Lisbon has also spent the last hour of time thinking, debating with herself if she should keep her feelings hidden or not. The pros of letting her feelings be known is that maybe then Jane would taper down the amount of his flirting with the female suspects and maybe he just might return the feelings. The cons would be that they work together, but also he would then know and if he does not feel the same it could make things very awkward. After weighting her options, she makes a decision. Now she just has to follow through.

Peeking out of her blinds, she sees Jane laying down on the couch pretending to be asleep. Gathering up her courage and steeling herself for what she is about to do, she opens her door and storms over to the couch. She hopes he doesn't notice anything off about her mood and that he takes her mock anger as being real.

Jane feels a shadow fall over him before he hear, "Jane, my office now!" snapped out by Lisbon as she glares down at the consultant. Jane opens his eyes, a cat-got-the-canary grin on his face. He stands and stretches before walking into Lisbon's office. Lisbon follows him and closes the door.

"What did I do this time?" Jane asks, hiding his confusion over being called into Lisbon's office, "I haven't hypnotized anyone, been held at gun point or pulled any of my stunts in the field. In fact I haven't even had anyone threaten to file a complaint against me."

Lisbon stalk up so she's staring him right in the face as she growls, "You are driving me crazy," poking Jane's chest with every word.

"Oh? How so?" Jane teases, as he breathes an internal sigh of relief.

"Like this," Lisbon replies as she grabs his vest and pulls him down into a heated kiss causing Jane's eyes to widen in surprise. After the kiss, Lisbon smiles widely and cheekily says as she walks out of her office, "Bet you didn't see that coming."

Jane watches her walk out of her office in slack-jawed shock, when he finally processes that Lisbon had just kissed him. He races to catch up with her, his normal cat-got-the-canary grin back in place, "Hey Lisbon. Show me again!"

Lisbon replies with a grin, "Oh I'll show you again, but only if you do exactly what I tell you to do."

Quirking an eyebrow at her response, he asks, "Just what do you want me to do?"

"For now, grab you jacket then follow me," she answers before walking into the bullpen and address the team, "Go get some lunch, the case is closed and I want to be able to understand what you're writing in your reports. Not some drivel about how hungry you are because you haven't eaten since breakfast."

Agent Wayne Rigsby flushes red at Lisbon's last remark, though the rest of the team smiles. Rigsby hurriedly stands, pulling on his coat before sliding his gun and holster on with a, "Sure thing boss."

Lisbon turns and heads out with Jane falling into step beside her. They don't notice the team watching them walk down the hall to the elevator. They also don't notice as Lisbon's boss Minelli walks out of his office to see them. They are so focused on each other as they step on to the elevator and as the doors close; they never notice the team and Minelli watching as she wraps her arms around his neck to pull him into a hard, passionate kiss.

Rigsby watches shocked as he witnesses his boss kissing Jane. Van Pelt thinks it is sweet and that Lisbon is good for Jane. Cho and Minelli just look at each other with uncharacteristic grins while thinking, 'It was about damn time.'


	3. U & Ur Hand – Pink

**Disclaimer:** I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist.' If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

* * *

Lisbon looks down at her clothes, or rather the lack of clothes, with disgust. She hates this assignment. This undercover operation that calls for a petite, dark-haired woman and since the case was assigned to her team that meant her.

Jane grins as he sits in a private booth in the club. He loves this assignment. The undercover assignment calls for a businessman who likes to ogle half dressed woman and is attached to one particular dark-haired beauty with gorgeous green eyes.

Lisbon walks over to Jane's booth to check his wires and start this assignment like they planned. She plasters a fake smile on as she is walking, pretending she's pleased to see her lover before sitting in his lap. She leans down and whispers in his ear, "I feel cheap and dirty like this. Let's just remember the plan."

Jane smiles as he watches Lisbon approaches him, she's dressed just as she's supposed to be and oh is he aching to touch her. She's breathtaking and just a bit slutty dressed like she is. The tiny green top that has a plunging neckline and shows a sliver of the bottom of her breasts, matching green stilettos and the silvery sheen black scrap of cloth that just barely passes as a skirt.

Lisbon runs her hands through Jane's hair as she kisses him and she can't help but think his hair is just about perfect. Her hands continue their travel down over his shoulders and on to his chest where she fiddles with his open jacket and vest. If they weren't being watched, her hands would probably continue their travels south.

Jane realizes that he is in trouble as he runs his hands up Lisbon's back as they kiss and he finally acknowledges that his control might not be up to this test. He tangles one hand in her hair and uses that to help tear their mouths apart for a breath as his other hand pulls her even closer. Holding her tight, he places open-mouthed kisses down her throat.

Lisbon sighs in pleasure and shifts on Jane's lap feeling how much he wants her through his pants. She smiles for real, pulling her self away from him with a look that promises more when they get home.

Jane bites back a groan and watches as she leaves his lap to continue the assignment. He wishes they were at home now. Hopefully, they can catch their perp quickly and finish what they started.

Lisbon glances back at Jane. She loves this assignment.

Jane watches Lisbon. He hates this assignment.


	4. Undercover Heartbreak

**Note:** Jello-Forever Forum – July Challenge. I will have a follow up to this sometime in the future, but I don't know when. This did not turn out as I originally envisioned it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist'. If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

* * *

Jane sits watching from the cliffs overlooking the beach and the gathered crowd. He knows that she is looking beautiful tonight as she mingles with the party-ers in her blue green sundress and sandals with her hair done up. She's here tonight with someone else, someone that she claims she loves more then him.

He healed because of her. He's newly broken because of her. Looking back over the years they worked together and their many conversations, he can't help but wonder where he went wrong. He can't help but wonder why he ever believed he could have a happily ever after.

He remembers one specific conversation they had just a few months ago, just before they caught Red John. They had somehow gotten onto the topic of their feelings about each other, something they still had a hard time talking about even after several years of friendship. She had said that she understood that he needed closure and that after they could move their relationship on to something more. Something they both felt was right and had been a long time coming.

Jane knows that something is wrong with Lisbon. She's been lying to him for weeks now, but he could not figure out why until tonight when she came with the other man. Now Jane knows that she's been playing him along. Now she has destroyed him and everything that he thought they might have been.

The team is down at the party, watching their boss celebrate her engagement. They had been shocked when she arrived with someone other then Jane, someone they had never met. She just brushed off their questions about Jane with a smile, stating that the relationship hadn't worked out and she had moved on.

They watched as the consultant showed up with a single flower for her and as she shut him out. They were stunned when the new man had announced that she had said yes and that they were marrying in a few months time. The team watched as Jane drops the flower he brought for the boss before turning and walk away.

Van Pelt has always admired Lisbon, seen her as a role model. That image has now been destroyed. Van Pelt knows that she will never see her boss in the same light again. To have her boss cut down and trample another person, someone that is so close to her...

Rigsby is surprised and disappointed. His boss, and friend, is hurting another of his friends. He doesn't want to make her mad, but he is so disappointed in her actions. She was throwing away someone that loves and cares for her. She's going to tear the team apart with her plays.

Cho is furious. Lisbon just destroyed Jane without a second thought. Now Jane might be annoying at times, and for a long time was plotting to murder Red John, but he cares for everyone on the team. Especially Lisbon and she just threw him away. The Lisbon that Cho had worked with for the last several years would never had done what this Lisbon is doing.

The team just watches, trying to figure out why their boss is trying to destroy Jane. What will it serve, beside to drive the man to leave them permanently? Their eyes bounce back and forth between the consultant on the cliff and their boss here at the party. They wish there was more they could do to fix the situation, but they know that the only thing for them to do is to stand back and watch.

Minelli watches his favorite team, his prize team, as this assignment threatens to tear it apart at the seams. He knows that Lisbon is just doing what she's been ordered to do and that this just might destroy her personally, but it must be done. The people they will catch with this sting will destroy the entire CBI if left unchecked, but it is slowly killing Minelli to torture his people like this. Especially when those people include a sometimes highly annoying consultant, his protégé and the team that is more loyal to the cause of justice then any other in all of the CBI.

Lisbon wants to die for all the pain she is causing Jane. She knows that she is destroying him and that he most likely will never trust her again, even when he finds out why she's doing all of this. Instead she's pasting a smile on her face and playing her part in this masquerade. Acting as if she really is thrilled about this 'engagement' to her 'perfect' man with close cropped dark hair when all she wants is the mischievous and often times exasperating man with blond curls.

She hates that she's had to push Jane away just as he's really starting to open up and heal. She hates that she has to act like he was just a passing phase. This assignment is libel to destroy the team, she knows this but what is killing her the most is that it is also libel to destroy any chance of a relationship between her and Jane.

She prays for this to end and that she is given a chance to explain herself to him. Her heart breaks at the very thought that he might leave without ever hearing her out. That he might push her away like she's done to him. She prays she's not to late, that she will still have him in the end. She knows she'll have to make it up to him, if he'll even let her.

Lisbon looks at the cliff where Jane is and hopes that he will always be there for her like he promised all those months before when he insisted they do that silly trust fall. She lied at the time when she said that she didn't trust him. She trusted him then as she does now, she just didn't and still doesn't trust herself around him. Even now after all the stunts, fights and general chaos that Jane causes; she still cares deeply for the green-eyed imp. She just hopes he still cares for her.


	5. Email Slip

**Note:** Jello-Forever Forum – August Challenge Prompt: Mistakes Somewhat OOC, but since this is a future fic where Red John's already been caught we don't know how or if they would change.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist'. If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

* * *

Van Pelt hadn't meant to do it, really she hadn't. It was a mistake. She was screwing around instead of working on her paperwork from the team's last case. She was just goofing around and now she was either going to get fired by her boss or utterly humiliated by the team consultant. This was all going to happen because she made the mistake of sending an email.

Now normally she wouldn't be so upset about this, after all accidents happen. This email though was about the boss, consultant, a possible relationship between the two of them and a bet about said relationship. It was the weekly update to the betting pool and who has what days for the coming week. It also included the new dates that people were betting on.

It still wouldn't have been so bad for her to say send the email to say her boss' boss, Minelli, since he's got money down for today. But no, she had to send it to the very people that the email is about. That is what makes this _mistake_ so bad to where she's sitting and staring at her computer screen trying to figure out how she could make it out of this situation with her job and dignity still intact.

Her time has run out though, as she hears the signaling ding that marks that there is a new email for someone. Cho and Rigsby both open the email and skim through it before they look at the addresses at the top. Rigsby jumps up and turns to Van Pelt with a horrified expression that promises that she's doomed. Cho turns and looks at Van Pelt, his expression just slightly worried as he says, "Run. Fast. Now."

Jane opens his eyes at Cho's words, sitting up and looking at the three agents with faint amusement shining in his eyes and a smile on his lips. The amusement increases as he watches them. Van Pelt pales and her eyes dart around in her panic. Rigsby looks like he'll be sick and Cho just levels his patented stare at Jane.

Jane quirks an eyebrow and his grin widens at the trio's behavior. Standing, he ponders over what would have them all acting as if they were in trouble. Van Pelt's behavior in particular peeks his interest since she acts like she's about to face a firing squad or worse yet Lisbon in a snit. He ponders on this puzzle for a moment longer before he remembers the date and it all makes sense.

It's the betting pool email day concerning when Lisbon and he are going to get together. Van Pelt's behavior suggests that someone on the team, most likely her, must have somehow screwed up when they sent the email further on down the chain. Since Lisbon and he are not supposed to know about the bet, he's guessing someone sent it to one or both of them.

His grin softens a bit as he turns his thoughts to his green-eyed puzzle and her possible reactions to the bet. He walks over and into her office, wanting to see if she's gotten the email and if she has, what her take on the possibility of a relationship between them is. He knows she won't be upset about the bet in and of itself; well maybe a little since it's about them. She won't be anger though on the actual betting pool since she's in on the pool about Rigsby and Van Pelt's relationship.

Lisbon looks up from the magazine questionnaire she's answering as Jane walks in. Frowning slightly since he didn't knock and he seems a bit preoccupied, she can't help but admire how good he looks in his suit. Shuffling some papers around to cover the questionnaire and her answers, she asks, "What do you need Jane?"

"Check your email. I think someone finally slipped up and sent one of us the email on the bet concerning our relationship."

She grins at his answer, knowing that she's going to get to at playing at being pissed. The question in her mind is who will be baring the brunt of her _anger_. Clicking through the couple of internal memos sent to her and sending a couple of messages to her junk folder; she gets to the email she's looking for and reads through it.

"Minelli and you have today. So what do you want to do about us finding out?"

"Well... If Minelli's in on the pool then he can't really object to us being together."

"True... Does this mean you want to let the others know?"

"It's probably for the best if we do."

She thinks about his answer for a moment, before nodding in agreement. "Okay, let's tell them. But, how and when do you want to tell them?"

"Meh... I'll figure that out the how, just no shooting me," he replies with a mischievous twist to his grin.

She raises an eyebrow at his comment, "I wouldn't shoot you. I will just kick you out of bed."

He pouts, "Oh, that's cruel and unusual punishment. As for when, let's do it either today or Wednesday. Though if we do it today, Minelli will be happy for winning."

"You don't care about Minelli, you just don't like to lose. You have control issues."

"Pot, kettle. So we do it today?"

With a roll of her eyes, she replies, "Sure."

Jane leans over the desk and kisses her cheek before turning to leave, "Good. I'm off to plot exactly how we'll break it to them."

"Nothing to outrageous!"

He grins and heads to Minelli's office to talk. Minelli's secretary tries to flirt with Jane as he waits, but the he just grins and deflects the woman's attentions to other matters. After a few minutes, Minelli sticks his hand out and motions for Jane to come in. Minelli is wondering as to what exactly Jane wants or has done now, especially since he's here without Lisbon. Jane sits in the comfy swivel chair that's in front of Minelli's desk and waits for Minelli to start.

"What have you done now Jane?"

"Nothing yet. I just want to let you know that you want to follow me back to the bullring."

"Why is that?"

"The betting pool, more specifically the pool on Lisbon and I, will get their answer today. The one on Rigsby and Van Pelt is still going to have to wait since neither one is willing to make a move yet."

"Oh the betting pool... Wait, what? You knew about the betting pool?"

"Of course. In fact, Lisbon and I both know about it."

"Yes, of course you know about it. What was I thinking? Nothing goes on around here without you knowing about it," Minelli replies sarcastically, "Fine. I'll go with you to the bullring."

Both gentlemen walk to the bullring, while being followed by the secretary who wants to know what's going on, to be greeted with Cho and Rigsby both trying not to laugh at Van Pelt. Van Pelt who is looking at Lisbon in fear as she receives a tongue-lashing from the diminutive agent. Van Pelt's look of fear increases when she spots Jane and Minelli behind Lisbon, thinking that if Minelli is there she is really in deep trouble. The spike in fear is so much that Van Pelt sinks low into her chair and causes Lisbon to look behind her for a possible reason for the increase.

"Lisbon."

"Yes, boss?"

"Jane said you know."

"Oh he did, did he?" she replies with a quick look at Jane before focusing on Minelli, "Did he also tell you what he's planning?"

"Well... No-"

Jane interrupts Minelli by stepping forward and kneeling at Lisbon's feet with a big smile on his face, "Lisbon, my dear. I know you want me and I know I want you, so what do you say we start dating?"

Minelli quickly steps back away from Jane like he's afraid of being shot; as the team's mouths drop open at his audacity and the rest of the CBI agents and workers walking the hall by them all stop in surprise. Lisbon's lips twitch as she tries not to laugh at Jane's question and the reactions of the others. To the others it seems she's in shock, but Jane knows she's just holding back her laughter and his grin widens.

She pretends to think about her answer for a moment before grinning, "Jane, Patrick, we are dating. Now get up before someone trips over you or you get stepped on."

Jane jumps up with, "I know we're dating, but they don't."

"True, they didn't. Now they do."

Jane leans in and presses a quick kiss to Lisbon's lips before turning to the others and saying, "The bet's been resolved. Pay up people."


	6. The Wrong Name

**Disclaimer:** I do not own 'The Mentalist' or any of the characters from 'The Mentalist'. If I did own them, Jane would be living with Lisbon and they would be kissing in every episode.

**Note:** Thanks to the community mentalistprompt on LiveJournal for the delightful prompt that triggered this.

* * *

It really didn't surprise Lisbon. It hurt, but truly it didn't surprise her. After all, it was the name of the woman he swore vengeance against Red John for. So, why would she have been surprised?

Jane looks at her, his eyes shining with tears, and she knows she said at least part of her thoughts out loud. He reaches for her and she complies to his desires to hold her. His mouth pressed to her ear as he whispers his apologies and the horror that he feels about hurting her.

Lisbon wants to reassure him that she understands, but the pain of that name coming from his lips at that moment keeps her quiet. She cannot help but wonder, will she ever be number one in his life? Or will she always be the stand in for the one that was lost?


End file.
